Sh*t My Dad Says…

… about women and sex.

I was reading Cosmo today when I ran into this book, Sh*t My Dad Says, that actually started out as a twitter page owned by Justin Halpern. I was reading the excerpts that the magazine had and decided that I totally have to have this book. Its hilarious. Just read and enjoy:

On friendship: “You’ve got good friends. I like them. I don’t think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one.”

On getting dumped by my first girlfriend: “Listen, I understand why you’re upset, but you’re both 19. You can’t think you were only gonna screw each other forever. That’s just silly talk.”

On furnishing one’s home: “Pick your furniture like you pick a wife. It should make you feel comfortable and should look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it, they want to steal it.”

On my trip to Europe: “I know you think you’re going to get all kinds of laid. It’s not a magic place, it’s the same as here. Don’t be stupid.”

I totally want to meet this guy. I would never stop laughing.

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Couldn’t Care Less, People

It’s couldn’t care less people, not could care less. I get so frusterated when I see people using it wrong. If you say you could care less, that means that whatever you are talking about holds some meaning for you, that you care about it. When you say couldn’t care less, that means its at the very bottom of your care list, that it means absolutely nothing to you. See the difference? There are very few things more frusterating when I’m reading something than when I see this mistake. Its not that hard to comprehend. Its basically common sense. Get with it people, couldn’t care less.

Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time
I was you
Keeping secret
Being true

What happened child
Of golden hair
What happened then
I wasn’t there

Running Wild
Laughing free
Bursting sun
You reached for me

But another won your heart
That day
A smiling lie
Danced your way

You followed him
Into a wood
No one saw
The wolf in hood

And now you stand
And stare at me
Your frock is stained
Your knees are green

How do I hold your hand and stay
How do I heal
That death
In May

This day
This night
This hour
Long due

This ink
This page
This prayer
For you…

‘Little Red Riding Hood’ by Christina Reihill